As a service to our readers, who are overwhelmed with the sheer number of candidates, we wanted to provide a culling guide. Here is one sentence that defines each candidate’s major message:
Donald Trump: Mexicans, and Megyn Kelly, have ruined this country.
Hillary Clinton: Men, my husband excepted, have ruined this country, and I have bigger cojones than all of them.
Bernie Sanders: Give me seven loaves and seven fishes and I can feed the world, as long as we limit the amount of Deodorant, which, along with the Koch brothers, have ruined the country.
Ted Cruz: Obama has ruined this country.
Ben Carson: Obamacare has ruined this country.
John Kasich: Obamacare didn’t ruin the country, wolverines did.
Bobby Jindal: Government has ruined this country, except in the case of Common Core and policing the world.
Lindsey Graham: Muslims have ruined this country, we need to bomb them all, now.
Marco Rubio: Dehydration ruined my anti-Obama rant.
Jeb Bush: My brother and father did not ruin this country.
Rand Paul: People who didn’t listen to my father (except when he is wrong), have ruined this country.
Rick Santorum: Gays have ruined this country.
Mike Huckabee: Pro-choice people and anti-Israel people have conspired to ruin this country, and God asked me to fix it.
Martin O’Malley: Since you don’t know who I am, I can’t ruin this country, as far as you know.
Scott Walker: Unions have ruined this country.
Chris Christie: Pot smoking terrorists have ruined this country, and I will bridge the insulin gap.
Carla Fiorina: Compaq did not ruin HP.